Juju’s blog

What a sad day!! James Ernest Boudwin was laid to rest. He was a co-worker of 17 years, a contemporary born the same year as I, and a really great guy. A month ago, we had a Good-bye Party for him as he went off to a new work opportunity. Then he had severe pain a week ago Sunday night, and ten days and various surgeries and procedures later, he is dead.

Jim was a real open and warm person. He loved to talk and tell stories. He would come in my office and talk about his kids or some weird thing that happened to him. He would lean on the file cabinet (He was a tall guy) or he would take steps forward and back when he was making a point about something. He was really animated--big gestures and smiles. He was "clearly" the same way with his family from the remembrances shared at the funeral. He made a big impression in the world.

I guess that is why I feel this sadness and loss. He really connected people. I was touched when I introduced myself to his wife, Angie, and she said "Oh, Judith, I've heard so much about you--thank you for coming."  That was how Jim was--I felt like I knew his wife and kids even though I'd never met them.

How important to connect and appreciate at every opportunity.

Why do I constantly forget this?

I had the best New Year's Eve EVER!! As a prelude to 2008 it was exsquisite.  Gregory, the leader of Rootzie band, sent out an email to his efans about playing at Mansion462, a new club in Chapel Hill, on New Year's. I sent him a response thanking him and Dolie for all the muscial opportunties in 2007. They made my year!! He emails back--"Scotty can't play--bring your stuff and come on and play." I shot back an "OK" and had in immediate panic attack, I breathed deeply and did EFT and it mostly subsided. It came back about 2 hours before I was suppose to go over to the club.I was seriously considering calling him and saying I was sick or something. Trudie said "go on--you gotta go find out what this is about." So I went --part of my sadness and fear was due to being apart from Trudie for New Year's Eve, but we had such a great holiday of closeness that we were both ok about it in the end.

The gig went fantastic. I have never played better or more vigorously. I was miked, but so was everybody else (sax, fiddle, guitar, bass, keyboard and trap drums) and I was able to be heard. I played mostly tones and bass--my slaps still don't cut through. When I really wanted to say something, I laid into the bongos.I played so hard that my hands, arms and shoulders were tingly and hot when I got home. Gregory was clearly pleased--he said he could tell that I have been playing and studying everyday. I was thrilled--but the best was at the end of the night.

The last song--Stevie Wonder's Very Superstitious--turned into a big ole jam--everybody was rocking out. Then Gregory signals all the others to stop and so just the rhythm section is playing--we sounded great. Gregory had his eyes closed and was totally appreciating what was happening--he looked blissed out. Then he walks around the trap player and up next to me. I didn't flinch or stop playing--I made room for him. He started playing the big conga and half the bongo--I played the smaller conga and half the bongo. We played rhythms off of each other for several minutes. It was like a drum duet--it was amazing. I felt so alive and present and connected. This is the magic that I KNEW was HERE-- now I KNOW--it was totally incredible.

So when we were through I said to Gregory "When Scotty can't play call me--" He said "oh--I will!"

So 2008 is kicked off as the year of playing more music--I am so looking forward to doing Radio Flyer with Sarah, Nancy and Amy--playing more with Rootzie--offering Threshold Choir---and developing my ear and technique by playing everyday---taking good care of my body and allowing everything to happen as it will.

Winter Solstice is upon us…again. This old familiar cycle—the darkness, the quiet, the cold. We place small lights on trees and in windows to remember the light and remember our faith that the light will return. I am hungrier and sleepier than usual. Everything feels close and small, but no effort or reaction makes it so—It just is that way and feels right for the time.

There is always energy and time for music—singing and caressing the skins, listening closely to what the skins have to say. What sounds, what noises are present in this moment with these singing instruments around me? I feel so happy in the making of sounds I hear in my heart.

I see and feel the sickness and death in the world. I know people are suffering. I send light to them. So much karma is burning so fast—it is overwhelming and easy to disassociate from it all. I force myself to read the accounts, to witness the small and incredible cruelties that humans visit on other humans and ourselves. “Burn, burn, clear it out quickly” is my greatest wish.

The earth is shaking. Quakes are reported in numerous locations every few days.

The air is warming. We feed each other poison and send each other to war in the name of big profits for big business. Everything is shaking at its core in order to break and shed the crust of the old energies that have built up. It is hard to not be afraid, but this is the imperative.

            So while I know of the horror and cruelty, I must direct my energy to the joy in every situation. What am I paying attention to? Where is my attention focused? My attention manifests my reality. I am grateful for the privilege of my existence, for the food, the love, the warmth, the song that is all the biggest part of my days. I am grateful for the relationships that stir me to my depths and challenge my assumptions and respond to my love. I pay attention to gratitude.

            The year 2007 is a 9 year in numerology. This is a year of completion AND it is the first such complete cycle in this century which gives it a certain charge. My attention in 2007 was focused on not taking things personally. The first 3/4 of the year I spent taking almost everything personally. I felt like a failure at what I was trying to achieve, but it all turned around by year’s end. I realized that I needed to go into it deeply in order to burn it off. “Taking things personally” is definitely in the backseat now and I have tools to handle it when it tries to take over and drive.

            I have cleared a lot from my life towards the end of 2007 in preparation for 2008. My guiding factor in moving in any direction in the coming year is to move toward the “yes” in my experience. I will cultivate patience and be prepared to take any “yes” opportunity that presents itself to me. I will find the path through the “no” (or even the indifference that I often personalize into a “no”) and understand that although I feel like I can fit in anywhere and deeply engage with anyone—this will not always be the case. Sometimes I am not a good fit and I do not need to take that personally. And that has been the biggest lesson of 2007.

If you could perform alongside any artist (actor, dancer, musician, etc.), who would it be, and what would you perform? 
Submitted by Kristin. 

Tori Amos...and we would sing Winter, I can sing a wailing harmony with her on that song!

I convinced myself years ago that I was a patient person. I observed myself in situations where others were restless and pushy—I remained calm and accepting. I talked to myself about the “wasted energy” of impatience---the arguing with reality that causes so much of human suffering. I prided myself on how patient I was. Then a dear friend turned to me and said “You can pass for patient.”  This statement spun my world around—dislodged my anchor of pride in my patience and cast me adrift in the sea of my being. The water was cold and it woke me up a bit.

My impatience is razor sharp and dismissive. In that place—people are tiresome, squandering opportunities in order to act out their personal stories. I get discouraged trying to read their agendas. I just want to play with you—what do you want? What is all this garbage in the way of our play? Why won’t our play happen? Why won’t it manifest? I lose patience with all the ambivalence—and I take it personally. You don’t want to play with me!! You are razor sharp and dismissive. I am tiresome, squandering opportunities in the name of my story. Then I see myself in the mirror of my own impatience.

So—what is the real story—not the mind-made-up-one based on my impatient reaction—what is the “what is” story. Look and see what is there. I spent 8 – 10 hours of the weekend playing percussion and singing with other people I have several hours worth of practice time available every evening.  I have inner and outer guides showing me the way. The Drummr Grrls, Threshold Choir, BVS Chorus, writing and performing chants with Kathleen and Sonja.—hopefully Radio Flyer can get off the ground a little bit. I would love to hook up with Gregory and Rootzie again—but, if not, I had that opportunity and learned A LOT from the time with them. The last time I played with  Rootzie it was a late night gig—we played for 4 hours—it went by in a flash. I had such a good time—that is what I truly want to do—I want to play in a band!!  I am just so impatient for this to happen.

Again—come back to “what is”---one year ago today—I had NEVER played out with a band in a bar or other music venue. Now I have played 10 times with Radio Flyer, Rootzie or Gregory/Dolie. So this dream IS happening. It is happening like a flower opens—not like an electrical storm—so it is harder to see and acknowledge. I honor my impatience and the “what is."

Elise Witt's vocal improv workshop was today. We had 9 participants-which turned out to be the perfect number. Three trios for improv. We did Voicestra style improv all day--and it was fun!! What incredible communion that is! It was so cool to see Marty, Lea, Robin and Ann really stretch out. Since I sing with them I am familiar with their voices and today I heard something different from the norm from all of them.

Elise did an INCREDIBLE job of layering and pacing the time. And she amazingly coached us through improv moments. Pointing out things that were happening, identifying chords, intervals. She took us in deep to look at small moments in time with her inimitable wonder. Such a joy to focus like that. She whispered instructions into people's ears and they tried them--always opening up the space or changing the texture of what was going on. She had this gentle, firm way of interjecting comments--she was heard AND the improvisors were heard. And they didn't stop or falter as she spoke. Her comments on what people were doing always offered as suggestions and always somehow leaping off from where the person was. And people feel safe with her--you can feel it as people take enormous leaps and land in places that light up their faces.

She talked alot about that magical place of "getting out of the way." One of the exercises was for 5 people to layer up a pattern of simple interlocking parts and harmonies--then the 6th person steps in and conducts and improvises over the 5. Lea did this sultry, jazzy keening over her group--really high and feminine. She was able to move out of her brain, which she clearly struggles with. Several other folks stepped into this role and everyone was remarkable! Elise often instructed people to try "wrong"notes. I hope we can try this with Threshold Choir--becasue it is so community building.

So now Elise will be working with Rhiannon for a year on improv and sound healing. She is already ahead of the curriculum. Everybody was healed today--Elise can stir up some other worldly energy!!

What's the best music documentary or concert film you've seen?

I totally love Buena Vista Social Club. Thanks for reminding me--I'm going to go put it in my queue right now!!

Many spiritual teachers are talking about the ego. We have been told to get a grip on the ego, suppress the ego, get away from the ego, observe the ego—there is frequently a sense that the ego is harmful or undesirable in our lived experience. When all is said and done, one thing is clear—as long as we are in a body, we will have an ego. Our egos are, in part, the storehouses for all the experiences that we identify with. We need our egos in order to BE in the world. Even the great Avatars and Masters had egos—there are many stories of their egos flaring—although their disciples often see the ego flare-up through the unquestioning eyes of a disciplehood and report it as a spiritual activity.

The ego tends to be reactive, self-protective and oblivious to others unless they pose a threat or fulfill a need. The ego LOVES words because words clarify and fortify the ego. Have you ever met someone who is very uncomfortable with silence? Someone who can’t let a minute go by without talking? And when you tell this person about something you have witnessed, accomplished, realized—their reaction is to tell you about something similar that they have witnessed, accomplished or realized?  OK—we ALL do this, but sometimes we do respond with some questions about the other person’s experience so that we can know the experience and the person better. So the ego does have a choice in these matters—to react or respond. The ego tendency is to react, but the ego can be trained to respond.

Feldenkries Method of Bodywork has helped me to clarify some ideas about the body and the ego. Recently I have made a move toward seeing the ego as a muscle in the ethereal body. When the ego is holding onto ego identities, protecting our view of ourselves in the world, only seeing one way to be (my way)—the ego is like a tense muscle. It is tense, hard and, at times, painful. It loses some of its own innate capabilities to the tension and holding. In the same way that FI and ATM can retrain our central nervous system and muscular skeletal structure to find ease in a variety of movement responses, so to the ego can learn to be softer, more flexible and stronger through letting go of its postural holdings.

The tense ego is defended, anxious, and constantly looking for affirmation ( not necessarily positive.) I can feel my tense ego whenever I engage in a disagreement with another person. I feel my ego and the other person’s ego get very hard, the space we are in gets very small, there is much pressure—it seems as if everything is limited. So we hold our positions and nothing changes for either of us. Recently, I had the experience of engaging someone in a disagreement and I practiced keeping my ego soft. My need to be right was put aside, my need to win was put aside, my reactive anger  (how dare you think THAT!) was put aside. I approached William with an open heart—I listened to his teachings and gave him mine. I stayed soft and responsive and present—he seemed to be in the same place. When we parted—neither of us had changed our positions, but we had planted seeds of potential change. If we had gotten tense and reactive—we would have planted seeds of further tension and reactivity and limited opportunity for change.

The ego is the I AM of our being. One of the ways we can train it to be more flexible and strong is to notice what words we put after I AM ______. And how many words we put after I AM_____. And how attached we are to the words we put after I AM______. This awareness gives us much information about the reactive ago.

The ego muscle will contract and hold the energy of our naturally flowing feelings. When emotions stop flowing and take root in our beings—the ego is holding and tensing up. Another tool for training the ego to be more flexible and responsive is to use meditation techniques and/or emotional freedom techniques to dislodge and allow the emotions to flow through. Singing brings emotion and body together and helps us to get in touch with , express and dislodge stuck feelings. And since this holding of emotion in the ego muscle is often reinforced with words, we can use thought exploration (Byron Katie, Debbie Ford) to look more closely at and dissolve these ego creations. Flowing emotion allows for response, stuck emotion leads to reactivity.

            The responsible/responding ego is the vehicle for the manifestation of our unique being in the world. It serves a very important purpose .The reactive ego is under the influence of the filter of fears, judgments and expectations that make up our beliefs. The reactive ego is most afraid of disappearing. The reactive ego makes self over and over again through “the story of me.”   And while we are immersed in and encompassed by the Universal energy we call God. (I am starting to think of God as a liquid—we are moving around in and are penetrated by this buoyant liquid that is God.) , we are afraid to pay attention to this energy because it unites us with everything and everyone. The reactive ego does not like unity and harmony, because unity contains the threat of the disappearing self. The reactive ego is pretty hung up on weaving  beliefs into personal stories of isolation, alienation and longing for something other than what is which is God. We expend a lot of time and energy chasing our tales!

            Drop the veil of personal story (Gangaji says our major human religion has to do with telling our stories of who we think we are)- release the grasp on fears, judgments and expectations, and simply be. As the fears, judgments and expectations are released, love/God fills in AND opens up the space for authentic being to emerge. It really is a matter of relaxing, opening and following the energy. That energy will guide us to and through exactly where we need to be.

            The past few years I have been charting a steady course toward openness and response. I am Love made real in the world. I know this to be true!!! The only doubt occurs when I forget, react, shut down—then –it is clear because there is contraction, suffering and pain—I remind myself—“this is just a thought.” That is all that any of it is, and I choose to believe that the only real thoughts are the loving thoughts—they come from deep within and deep without. So in my world—love is real—everything else is story. Love is the vast unchangeable truth—it is the stage upon which we bring our thought constructed play. And because we have constructed this play with our thoughts—we can change it—shift it---even step right out of it. Through gratitude, appreciation, intention and surrender—we engage the universal energy to create the life we want to live.